Our Miracle

Our Miracle

Friday, December 24, 2010

Best Christmas Yet

I can't help but marvel at my life this Christmas, thinking how different it is from the last few years. We have been blessed beyond what we could ask or imagine with the arrival of our baby girl and she brings so much joy to our home this holiday.

Why do we get to hold her in our arms while others are still waiting? Why did we have to wait so long while others became parents so easily? We cannot know these answers. My heart is forever changed from the experience of struggling to become a mom, and then from becoming one, and I am hurting right along with those who are still fighting that hardest of battles. But I know there is a beautiful and perfect child out there waiting for all those who hope. I, too, still hope there is another one for us. (Okay, in truth, another two!)  But for now, I am focused on our little A and loving being a family of three. I'm focused on being thankful for the blessings sent from above, in timing of the One whose will is perfect.

She's tucked in, sleeping tight, looking so adorable in Christmas PJ's. It is a silent night, a holy night. And the Baby born this night brings us peace, brings us joy, and brings us life.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Timing is Everything

I was thinking yesterday about how I spent the month of March (2010) on my knees asking God to allow our baby to live, for our child to have life. What really hit me about this is that our daughter was conceived in November (2009)! So all that time that I was asking Him, God had a plan for our beautiful daughter ALREADY in the works! It wasn't the plan I had in mind or the even the plan I was asking for, but it was God's perfect will and His work in our life and we are beyond thankful for it. She is the light of our lives!

Isn't it amazing to realize that while we are desperately praying, hoping, sulking, pouting, feeling sorry for ourselves, doubting, wishing, wanting, longing for a BIG need.... GOD has already put in motion a BIGGER RESPONSE?

And that, quite simply, is why we need faith. I trust in His plan and ask Him to give me the faith and strength to wait on it.

And the very cool thing about this path that we are on? Only God knows the hour and day when our 2nd baby will be conceived. We aren't pursuing adoption or fertility treatments again right now, as we are relishing every day with our precious one, but who knows what plan will be revealed in the future!! :-)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A sweet gift

My sweet friend M gave me the most beautiful gift for my birthday this year.

For several months, I've been wearing a necklace that I had made with an open circle pendant that held three birthstones - June, January and November - the three due dates of my angels. On one side was engraved, "Forever Loved" and on the other, "In the Arms of God". It made me feel close to them to have a rememberance hanging close to my heart.

Since our miracle has arrived, I've only worn it a few times, and I've felt a little strange. Although they are a part of me that is never far from my mind, I want my focus now to be on my wonderful blessing and the unspeakable joy she has brought us!

Although I never verbalized this, my friend must have understood. I opened her gift to find a new necklace. This one has two round disks that hang from a tiny beaded chain. On one disk there are three hearts. On the other, the name of my little princess. The three hearts that brought us to you.

You can find it and other beautiful pieces here. LL Designs
I love it!

PS - Not quite as sentimental, but my wonderful husband also surprised me with a fabulous K.S. bag! It is hot!!New Winter Bag!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Birthday Reflections

Today is my 32nd birthday.

First of all, HOW did I get to be 32?!?

Okay, moving past that and accepting the new age!

I can't even complain about adjusting to a new number. I really can't complain about a thing. This is the happiest birthday ever.

I think back to two years ago today. It was such a dark time. One week before my 30th birthday, I learned that my first pregnancy, which we had tried and tried for, had ended at 9 weeks. Our little apple seed no longer had a heartbeat. I was devastated. I had a D&C on Nov 3 and put on a brave face three nights later for the 30th birthday bash my sweet husband had planned weeks earlier. It was a great party, and he knew I needed a distraction, but my heart hurt. Little did I know there would be even darker days to come, but at the time, I thought nothing could sting more. I spent days where I'd go to work, come home and go directly to bed. It just wasn't fair.

One year later, I had suffered a second miscarriage during the summer, had spent a few months physically healing and was back to trying to concieve. I was surrounded by friends having babies and I couldn't believe I still wasn't one of them. I was hopeful that the third time would be the charm, but I just didn't know how much longer I could handle the struggle. I felt like life was moving on without us.

As another year has gone by, much of it has been spent trying to conceive, dealing with our third miscarriage and searching our hearts for what the plan was for us and our family. Until, of course, that fateful day when we got a call that a birthmother had picked us and there was a baby that was going to be ours! We planned, we prayed, we lived on pins and needles, but we didn't know for sure she was ours until the day we brought her home from the hospital. And now she's been here with us for 10 incredible weeks and our hearts have grown by leaps and bounds. She is truly our miracle.

I have to reflect upon my third baby, as his or her due date was this week. I had prayed that my 32nd birthday might be spent in the hospital or just barely home with a newborn. Instead, I am home with my 2 and a half month old! Wonders never cease and God works in amazing ways!

I know I've spent a lot of weeks and months, a lot of time and tears, of the last three years of my life focused on how we would have a child. It is all-consuming. But I've made it to the other side, albeit through a path I would never have expected, but I know that all this is in God's time for us all. I am thankful. I am happy. And I am a 32-year-old mom.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

To Love and Protect

My princess is sleeping. She is peaceful, dreaming, I think, because she has the occasional smile and sweet sigh. Nothing is wrong in the world, no care left unaddressed. No need is wanting. My heart still watches her in awe, amazed that God chose her to be our daughter and orchestrated her arrival into our lives the way He did. I love her so much that I know I couldn't love anyone a single drop more.

I want her always to know that, to always feel the love of her Heavenly Father and her daddy and mommy, and so many others who love her to pieces, too. I pray that God will give us wisdom on how to raise her to know this love and to feel secure and confident in who she is. I want so much to protect her from any hurt or sorrow or discomfort. Right now, that means wanting to dry her tears when she is upset, feed her empty tummy when she is hungy, and cuddle her if she is tired or cold. But I know that the challenges only get greater as our children grow day by day, and I fear the hurts she could have that won't be so easily solved. I suppose this is the timeless cry of a mother's heart - to want to shield her children from all pain. Life is never simple, and families who have been touched by the miracle of adoption know that our joy is often someone else's pain. But God did not promise joy without rain. He did, however, promise that He is our shield and our exceedingly great reward. What a comfort to know that though I may struggle with shielding my child from every pain, there is One who is able to protect us without ceasing.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

6 weeks, 5 days

Where does the time go? Our little one is 6 weeks, 5 days and growing like a weed! I just want to freeze time because I know my leave from work is flying by far too fast. She has grown and changed so much in such a short time, and I know 6 weeks from now it will be the same story! We were at the pediatrician this week and she weighed in at just under 11 pounds! We go back on the 25th for her 2 month appointment... which I know brings immunizations, which I am NOT looking forward to. I did ask the doctor for a list of what she'd be getting and have tried to research to make sure that I feel comfortable with all of them. So much to know! She is definitely smiling for us now, which I LOVE! And the little sounds have begun... just the beginning of much talking to come! I can't wait for all the new steps but I also want her to stay my little peanut! :-)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ideas for a baby book?

I posted this question elsewhere but I've been looking for a baby book for our little one but all the ones in the stores have so many questions that don't apply to our story... i.e. how did mommy tell daddy she was pregnant with me? how was my delivery? etc. Has anyone found one that is more sensitive to adoption - without making adoption be the main focus? I've been making notes about all of the firsts and I can't wait to put them together in a baby book for our princess!!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Dreams Come True...

If there is anything that the last few years have taught me, it is that God has a specific plan for each of our lives and that He is always at work in love enacting this perfect plan for His children.

When we are in the midst of trials, we can't see it. We are so blinded by pain or fear or sorrow - and the realization that we are not in control. We often get answers to prayers that we did not want, did not expect, did not think we deserved. I prayed that God would allow be to me a mother to each of my three angel babies, that He would allow them to live. But He was not calling me to be a mother to those children on Earth. Instead, He was calling me to be a mother to a little one who was waiting for me, who needed me, who was meant to be... MY DAUGHTER.

And now I am here, sitting with her in my arms, amazed at the blessing I have been given. OUR DAUGHTER IS HOME!!! And she is perfect. We are so in love with her, our beautiful baby.

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since she was born, and Monday marks 4 weeks since we brought her home from the hospital. Our life has been changed forever and I feel our hearts have expanded more than we knew possible. The tears just stream down my face as I watch her sleeping. I want so much for her, I want to protect her, to give her everything, to help her always to know how much she is loved by her Heavenly Father, by her mommy, by her daddy, by so many family and friends. I pray that I will have the wisdom and the courage and the patience and ability to be the mother that I want to be.

I just can't believe she is ours. She is dream come true.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Closer by the day

We continue to wait for the expected due date of our precious little one... and continue to hope beyond hope that this baby comes home to stay. I've been talking with a friend who adopted her son 15 months ago... and she has warned me, in love, Honey, you've got a wild ride ahead of you. I am also anxiously reading and praying for a fellow blogger whose adoptive daughter's paperwork should be signed tomorrow. Her fears echo my own as I know the wait is only going to get harder in the days to come. But the morning is worth the night, the sun is worth the rain, and the suffering will make the blessing all the sweeter. I love that little one and can't wait until we meet!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Waiting and hoping, hoping and waiting...

This sounds suspiciously like how I felt in all of the 2wws, how I felt waiting for HCG draws, how I felt in the eternally long wait before ultrasounds... some which I left feeling full of joy, others, ultimately, which I left full of pain. The biggest purgatory of Infertility is, without a doubt, the Wait. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?

Saturday, July 24, 2010


My background has been removed and I don't know how to get it back! Is there anyone else who had this problem who has figured it out??

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sweet little guy

After a long day at the office, all I want to do is sit here and love on my sweet little boy... little puppy dog boy, that is! He isn't a baby, but he is so darn cute sometimes!! And unlike the cats, he stays in my lap when I put him there!

Our dog walker suprised us by secretly teaching him how to "shake" over the last month or so. She finally confessed, and just like that, he knows a new trick! Smart boy!!

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Glimmer of Hope

I don't have the words.

I'm almost scared to even type them.

We might be parents... much sooner than we thought!

Please pray for an adoption situation!

Please, God, let this be our baby!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Here goes nothing!!

We submitted our application and profile to the adoption agency today!!!

We are not quite home-study-ready, but all our paperwork is in and we had our interviews with the social worker yesterday, so her report should be finalized within the next two weeks.

And then... we'll be on the list and officially waiting! Yea!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Ugly Odds and a Bad Stick


That's the statistic that Dr. Y quoted to me today when we went for our "2nd opinion" appointment at Infertility Clinic #3. 40% of women with a UU, he said, will successfully carry a baby.

Those aren't great odds.

He then amended this statement, saying that in our case, since we know about the UU and would be able to do anything possible during the pregnancy, working with a perinatologist, that we might be up to 60%.

60%. I guess that's sounding a little better. I was slightly heartened.

But then he retracted and said based on my history, he'd hypothesize that my chances overall are about 40%.

Part of me felt crushed. He said it so matter-of-factly, no qualms about it. No doctor has ever quoted that number to me. It's hard to hear.

But the other part of me felt like I was having an out of body experience. I was watching myself and Jeff sit in this doctor's office across the table from him telling us bad news and I wanted to laugh, thinking that, He's wrong. This man is wrong. It is going to happen for us. There is still hope, and I'm going to look back on this scene one day and know that he was wrong.

I'm not giving up.

Incidentally, after the consult, he did order an additional few blood tests that he thought had been missing from my workup based on the medical records he received. (I think they'd been done. For some reason, they only sent the last 6 month's worth of records from Infertility Clinic #1... which means everything from 2008 and 2009 are missing - but who am I to argue? I'm supposed to be a proponent of informed consumerism when it comes to healthcare, but when it boils right down to it, I would rather check and recheck. Bring on the repetitve and unncessary tests!)

The nurse came in with the good news that they could draw my blood right there. An HOUR later, two nurses and about 14 failed sticks, they still couldn't get three viles out of me! I am battered and bruised tonight! Will justice ever be served? I've got a completely messed up reproductive system.... the least I could have is good veins!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Calgon take me away...

Well it wasn't Calgon but it was my sweet hubby who agreed -- We. Need. A. Vacation!! So we booked an all-inclusive resort in Punta Cana and went. It was 4 days of total relaxation in a perfectly gorgeous setting with all that my little heart could desire... palm-tree lined beach, pools flanked by cabanas, great restaurants, fruity cocktails served in hollowed-out coconuts, and the list goes on. We took a tennis lesson, went for a horseback ride on the beach and I had a fantastic relaxation massage.

I think it was just what the Dr. ordered. I even made a pledge to myself that I would not bring up babies, trying to conceive, upcoming doctor's appointments, adoption paperwork, homestudy appointments or anything of the like... and I pretty much did it! That doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about those things, mind you, but I at least kept a lid on it and didn't voice my thoughts aloud. Aren't you proud?!? All of these things are so emotionally cumbersome, so all-consuming, that it does a body good to just take a stinking break. Also, did I mention, this was an adults-only resort, and that little perk was well worth it. :-)

On the adoption front, our home study paperwork has been submitted and we are scheduled with the social worker for June 16! Better get cracking on that birthparent letter!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Tummy aches

I feel like I want to throw up.

I wish it was naseau... but - more likely - mean, green jealousy.

(Sigh.) I don't like myself very much right now. And I also don't like Facebook.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Milestones suck

The feelings of loss and grief are always there. Most of the time, we just push them down far inside us, so deep that they can't see the light of day, can't be recognized by those who don't really know us. That is what allows us to keep going. That, and prayer, and lots of hugs from our supportive hubbies!

I am speaking in plural, because I know I am not alone in these feelings. I know you are out there, too.

But every now and then, a milestone comes along that just brings those emotions right up, smack-dab to the surface, and there isn't a darn thing we can do to stop it.

Sometimes, it is the stupidest milestone you can imagine. Tonight, it was the annual end-of-the-year dinner for a volunteer organization I am lucky to be involved with. I enjoyed the dinner, truly, but was haunted throughout the night knowing this was a milestone that hurt. I remember being there last year and being in my 2ww that ended up resulting in pregnancy with Baby #2. I found out I was pregnant just a few days after the dinner. That pregnancy lasted 5 weeks (well, 9 weeks, but 5 where I knew about it). As we know, here I am a year later, no closer to being a mom than I was then.

I cried all the way home.

Okay, maybe that isn't true. Surely I am closer now to being a mom than I was then, even though it isn't evident to me now. Surely the time will come, and that time is closer now, closer still every day. That day when I hold my baby in my arms will make all these days of burt worthwhile. I hope.

On a brighter note, I am so excited to find out the sex of a dear friend's baby, which will be revealed to her tomorrow and to the public very soon! She has suffered a long road getting here, too, and it will be a joyful day!

We have to focus on those days, do we not? There is abundant joy in this life and we can't let ourselves forget it, no matter how hard. But tonight, it is hard.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Time Marches On

I felt like I didn't want to go on when we learned about the miscarriage diagnosis, but somehow the days move on and we keep putting one foot in front of another and before we know it, a month has gone by, the shock has passed and we are trying to spend our energy on living in the future - the what to do next decision- instead of dwelling in the past.

I am so challenged by this struggle in just not understanding WHY, but then reminding myself that God does not have to answer to me and that they WHY is known by Him and I have to trust that. I just cry out to Him, please, please let this struggle be used for something good! I know He does not willingly bring affliction upon His children without a purpose to further our faith or His kingdom, but I know it may be years before I see the big picture.

What is the right path? We have consulted with another fertility practice, but I'm so wary of the thought of trying again in a few months without knowing what is going wrong each time. I just can't go through this again. We've also begun exploring adoption, and are working on a home study and an adoption profile, which is pretty strange yet exciting at the same time. We really aren't sure which is the right path, but are hoping that as we look at both, it will reveal itself.

Monday, April 26, 2010

New test results

I am 4 weeks out from the miscarriage and my beta came back at 5. So I am officially not pregnant any more.

I guess if I don't have a baby coming, I am glad that my body realizes it... and in a timely manner. Last time I waited MONTHS only to learn about the retained placental tissue. So that is somewhat of a relief.

In other news, I also tested positive for one gene mutation of MTHFR, which evidently is related to a problem metabolizing folic acid. I only realized after googling it tonight (What would we do without Google??!) that I don't know which one.... there seem to be two, C677t and A1298C. Because I only have one mutation and not two, the nurse said they'd want to put me on Folgard once we start trying again, although I'm now thinking that I may want to call and see if I can go ahead and start on it now.

Anyone out there have MTHFR and taking anything for it?

Monday, April 19, 2010

We need a vacation!

Any suggestions on a fabulous getaway in the Carribbean or Mexico?

On another note, my HCG is going down... I am now "hoping" for low numbers, so that I can get back to "normal". Funny how just a few short weeks ago, I was hoping for high numbers, indicating a growing baby. Guess nothing gold can stay.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Avoidance is my Defense Mechanism

I've been doing a pretty good job avoiding my life for the past 14 days.

Sure, I go to work, come home, make dinner, play with the puppy, snuggle with my hubby on the couch... but I don't return calls, I don't call my friends to meet for lunch or happy hour or pedicures, I don't go to a long-planned girls weekend getaway to the beach with 7 dear friends, two of whom are pregnant (both with their second) and one of whom has a 3 month old who may be stopping by for introductions.

I hate that. I hate that the miscarriage, which has already stolen so much from me, continues to rob me of my joy, my relationships and my fun.

I know I'm going through the motions, almost so that I'm too busy to think about what I've lost, but I can't avoid feeling forever.

My only recourse - the only one I can figure - is to do what I am in control of. (read: Very Little.) I am not in control of whether my babies live, whether my half-a-uterus can carry a baby, whether my doctor should have had me on steriods for beta 2 glocoprotein all along (side note from new doctor who says it was in my file). But I am in control of what I can do now - continue to seek out all options, any possibilites, of how we can have a child.

So, here we go:
1) Met with different doctor on Mon who reviewed my file and came up with a couple of ideas, including steriods for the beta 2, possible blood thinners if I test + for MTHRF, pre-genetic testing with IVF... all of this possible answers to recurrent miscarriage, but not a given; all of this things we can explore after the HCG finally drains from my body and I give it a couple of months to heal from 3 miscarriages in 15 months
2) Meeting with friendly acquaintance of hubby's/neighbor of parents for breakfast on Friday to learn about his experience in adopting his two adorable children through a domestic adoption attorney
3) Attending Fertility Conference hosted by local reproductive medicine group with speakers on advancement in ART, adoption, surrogacy, treatment of mind/body/spirit when dealing with infertility and recurrent loss
4) Set appointment with counselor as a means of outlet for all that's going on and hope for encouragement and suggestions on healthy ways to deal and heal

I feel so sorry for my poor friends who have only known me for a year or two. They've really never known me as normal. I've been such a roller coaster these last two years, that I'm surprised they want to me my friends at all!

I can only think that God is up there saying, I heard your prayers, my child, and I'm sorry for the pain you are going through because I couldn't answer them the way you asked. But I wish you could know that I only said "no" for now because I have an even bigger and better plan for you. Trust Me.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Feeling Numb

I've tried to write this post a few times over the last few days, but can't get the words to come out right.

I should have had plenty of time to figure out how I am feeling over the weekend - which was supposed to have consisted of 2 fabulous days at our favorite beach getaway, Siesta Key, to celebrate our 4th anniversary, followed by a big family get-together for Easter on Sunday when we would have shared the news of the upcoming new addition.

Instead, we spent the weekend holed up in the house, waiting for the meds I took to help expel our very-much-loved, no-longer-living Baby from my body. Ugh...Sorry if that was too graphic.

This feels like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. Why would we have thought this time would be any different?

I am convinced there is something they are missing. There has to be! How can we go from progressing well with strong hearbeat to.... just gone? How can it happen every time around 7-8 weeks?

The real sting of it is that I at least partly know the answer. It's me. It is my half-assed uterus, my RH- blood, my PCOS and everything else that they've identified to date that is wrong with me.

We have a lot of thinking to do. We know we want to be parents, whatever it takes! I don't want to give up on having our own baby! Is there a way? But I don't want to do this over and over again, either. A little part of both hubby and me dies along with the baby that we had loved and dreamed over. How many times? I would endure anything if you told me that it would eventually work out, it would ultimately end with tears of joy instead of tears of grief.

But no one can tell me that. And that leaves us here, trying to figure out a way to pick up the pieces and get on with life. Trying to decide what is the next step. A second opinion, certainly. Adoption? Surrogacy? Just not sure. And trying to hold tight to the Hope that has sustained us 'til now.

Without my dear husband, I'd be so lost. He is really keeping me afloat. Thank you, my love.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Heartbreak x 3

I cannot believe I have to write this. We are losing our precious little baby yet again. Yet again. My child who I love so much already has evidently stopped growing.

For the third time, we've seen a hearbeat on ultrasound and put pictures on our fridge of our beautiful baby, made plans and dreams about holding this baby in our arms, and then have gone back for the next ultrasound only to find out the baby no longer has a heartbeat.

This was supposed to be our miracle. We had so much hope and faith. We don't understand why this is happening and the doctors can tell us nothing. We've been tested for everything under the sun. We know my uterus is less than ideal, but everything we've read and been told has said that we should be able to have a successful pregnancy.

Once you see a heartbeat (especially at 159!!), the chance of miscarriage is very slim. But not for us. That seems to not apply.

I have been on my knees and praying constantly during this month of pregnancy. I've continually told our Heavenly Father that I am trusting in His plan for us and thanking Him for His mercy. I can't go back on that despite this heartbreak... and I know He does have a plan for us, but I am hurting and angry and confused.

I go back Friday for a "final check", but it seems a foregone conclusion. The doctor who was filling in today started to give us the litany of options...D&C, mistopropal, etc... but we've been here before. We know the drill. We just didn't think we'd be asked to do it again.

Will we ever be parents?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Baby's first picture

Okay, so it is actually the 2nd picture. But the first one was so tiny you couldn't really see Baby. On this one - you can! Little head and little body!!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Heartbeat = 159bpm!!

I am in love.

We saw our baby again today... and I am so thankful to report that appointment #2 and we're still going strong!

The little one - and I do mean little (more to come on that) - had definitely grown since last week. We could see the outline with the head and body and a pulsating heartbeat that the doctor was able to measure at 159! Very strong!

The actual CRL, or crown to rump length, is still measuring very small. We are about a week off. One measurement showed 6w0d and another 6w1d. The calendar say 7w2d. Dr. Plosker couldn't explain it, unless, he said, it took a while to implant. The thing is, we know our timelines pretty closely since they were all medically induced. We know when I ovulated, we know when egg met sperm. Could the little fertilized egg have just swum around an extra few days before cozying in to the lining of the womb?

Hubby tells me to stop over thinking (!) and just be happy with a good appointment! He's right, of course. Not that that doesn't mean I won't be googling all over the place for info on measurement as soon as I'm done here! (Sorry, babe.)

But, as we left, Dr. P said that he felt "90% good about it"... so I think I'll take than and say Thank You God!

PS - I totally pulled a Beth Moore on the floor of the doctor's office bathroom before we went in. No shame here!

6 more days til we see Baby again!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Tomorrow is Big Day #2

Put on your big girl pants and breathe! You can do this!

Only positive thoughts!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ultrasound # 1 - So far, so good!

I wore the greenest green I could possibly find. I scoured my drawer for undies with green. I prayed in the dark on my knees in my closet... the only place the dog wouldn't have a field day jumping all over me while I was down on his level.

I had a hectic morning with a client meeting, which I had to leave in the middle of with really no explanation to my coworkers other than, I have a 1:00 appointment. (Later, I heard there was speculation I was going to a job interview.) On the drive to pick up hubby, my stomach was doing so many backflips and my heart racing to the point that I almost couldn't breathe.

We arrived at the doctor's office and the nurse took us back. I told her how I was feeling. She understood. The doctor hadn't arrived, so she took the liberty, kind soul that she is, to call him on his cell with a sharp command to get over here because, "E is here and she is about to throw up."

When Dr. P arrived in the room, he told me he'd heard I was feeling naseaus and that was a very good sign. I corrected him - this is not naseau. I haven't had any of that. This is a case of the worst nerves ever.

The nurse warned me before we started that this was pretty early, so if we didn't see a heartbeat, I was not to panic. We definitely needed to see a yolk sac and gestational sac, and the fetal pole with a heartbeat may or may not be there yet. Yeah, right. Don't panic? Too late for that.

So the check begins and I can't bear to look at the screen. Hubby is holding my hand and doing that for me. I just watch Dr. P and the two nurses' faces for clues. Nurse #1 immediately begins to nod furiously. I think that is a good sign. Dr. P points out the sac, taking his time, zooming around. Still waiting - is there a heartbeat? Nurse reiterates we may not see it yet. Then - there! Dr. P points out a tiny little diamond with the tiniest of blinking. I finally look at the screen. Blink, blink. So tiny! But moving!

They are all grinning and saying this is good. I am not yet grinning. I am concerned that it is so small. We are at 6w2d here and the measurement is 0.14cm. Barely measurable! Last time, at 6w3d, we measure 0.6cm. Why the difference? They tell me so far so good and stop worrying, that all is looking well. I ask the obvious question -- I've been here before. A heartbeat at 6 weeks. Came back at 8 weeks to find none. Is there anything I can do?

Dr. P shakes his head and says, unfortunately, no. They tell me to come back in two weeks. I must have looked pretty desperate when I asked, Can I please come back next week? They agreed. Wed at 9:30am. Calendar says it will be 7w2d. I can't wait.

Dr. P is wrong, however. There is something I can do - and something I AM doing. I can pray. I can give this up to our Sovereign Father and Giver of Life! Remember, He works miracles!

After the church service this morning, hubby and I went down to talk with an encourager and ask for prayer. It was a young guy, about our age, very friendly and easy to talk to. I explained our sitation (tears flowing immediately - man I can't hold my emotions in!) and said we would really like to pray. He surprised me by saying that he and his wife are in a similar boat.... unlike us, they have a 6-year-old, but have been trying again for 2 years now and just can't figure out why she won't get pregnant. God is telling us we are not alone and there are so many others fighting this battle with infertility that also need our prayer. Joey placed one hand on each of our shoulders and prayed that God's will be done in our lives, and that it might result in us becoming parents. He prayed the prayer so easily that I knew he'd prayed these words before for his own family. He and his wife will now be in our prayers, as well.

God really knows what He is doing, doesn't He?

I will be wearing green again this Wed. It isn't St Patty's Day anymore, but it can't hurt. :-)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Strangely Calm

Tomorrow is the big day. Ultrasound at 6w2d.

I am strangely calm today. I thought I'd be an absolute wreck. I want to see that healthy heartbeat so badly. I can almost feel this baby being held in my arms already!

The message at church on Sunday was all about God being Sovereign over every season and situation. Including this one. I kept thinking, I'd prefer the sermon to be about God Answering Prayer! Or Miracles in Modern Day!

But I know He does. I pray He will. I thank Him for His mercy... whatever the outcome. Please God, give us this blessing.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Can't we just skip ahead to 26 weeks?

I feel like I'm on a death watch.

I know, that sounds horrible. I didn't come up with it on my own, actually. I read it in a book that my hubby bought for pregnancy #2 about getting ready to be a dad. It was written by a comedian whose wife had gone through several miscarriages.

That's pretty right on. I'm so happy and my heart is filled with such joy... all the while waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Cast all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you.

Can't we just fast forward to the time of viability?

Friday, March 12, 2010

Thinking Positive

5 days and counting until our first ultrasound.

I'm scared to death.

But even more than that, I'm so excited. I am thinking so many positive thoughts I could burst.

I am thanking my Father in Heaven for hearing my cries and sending His Mercy to answer those cries. I am asking Him to allow this baby to have life on this earth. I am truly full of hope and expectation. He is so good and I ask that His perfect will be acted out in my life.

Plus, we've got the Luck of Irish on our side! Ultrasound date: St Patrick's Day!

Monday, March 8, 2010


I guess I tested too early.

After a tremendous let-down on Saturday, I decided this wasn't it. I stopped taking progesterone immediately and waiting for Aunt Flo to arrive, which usually takes 2-3 days after stopping the progesterone. Sunday, Monday, no period. Tuesday morning when I wake up, I could feel myself starting to let a little hope wander in... that maybe I still had a chance. I clearly wanted to nip that in the bud before it starting festering, so I got up and took a test. I sat there staring at it, waiting for the Not Pregnant to show up as before.

The. Screen. Read.

I was floored. I just sat there staring. Then praying. Then crying. Then waiting for DH to come home from the gym so I could break the news.

I had a beta that day - HCG 110 - and two days later - MORE than doubling at 345!! Yea!!

Thank you my Father in Heaven for this Miracle!!!

We have a long road to go, but for now, I am pregnant. And I'm expecting a baby the beginning of November. Just in time for my 32nd birthday.

Our first ultrasound will be at 6.5 weeks on March 17. I'm praying for that little life and a nice, strong heartbeat. Baby mine, I love you so much!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

12DPO = HPT Negative

I guess this wasn't it.

I couldn't have been more positive over the last two weeks. I decided in my heart of hearts that this was going to be our miracle. I prayed constantly, and I know there were others praying for us, too. That, by the way, is a wonderful feeling -- to know that others are bowing before the throne of our Creator on your behalf. Thank you for making me feel so loved.

There is a song by Kutless that I've kept on a running loop through my head -- I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling. And I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do.

It CAN do. Doesn't mean it WILL do.

So where does that leave me?


Asking why this has to be so hard for us.

Wanting to hide under the covers and not come out for the remainder of the weekend. (Tried that, but hubby forced me to get dressed and go out to brunch, where I promptly drank two mugs full of coffee - screw the no caffeine rule -- and a delicious egg white omelette with artichoke and feta and realized it was worth the monumetal effort to get out of bed!)

But never giving up. So the answer was Not yet. Yes, He can move mountains, but He will do so on His timing. Not mine.

I guess IVF is next.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

He got the baby

So my hubby called me at work on Tuesday.

It wasn't just any Tuesday. It was Fat Tuesday. Yes, time to live it up! Get it out of your system before the long season of tempering, holding back, remembering the sacrifice of Easter. Christ died for us (and we are thankful!)

For the occasion, his boss brought in a king cake for everyone to share.

They all cut in to it... and hubby got the baby. GOT THE BABY.

He said it was sign. He's never gotten the baby before.

Incidentally, the baby was a boy. I didn't realize they made them, er, gender specific.

But I digress. He got the baby, by golly, and I am so hopeful that we are getting the baby, too.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A hope and a prayer

I am praying for a Miracle.

This is it -- our last try IUI. Next stop: IVF.

Cycle review:
Femara 7.5mg days 3-7- Check.
Day 12 U/S - 1 Follie, 18mm, left side.
My only tube is on the right -- Dr. gave two options:
1) Proceed with IUI on "a hope and a prayer"
2) Cancel
I chose option 1.
HGC shot at midnight on CD 12 - Check.
Insemination at 9am on CD 14 - Check.
Now we wait. 2 weeks.

A Hope and a Prayer. Dr. Mayer said it. I'm asking for it. Will you ask for me, too? After all, there is power in prayer.

While I was waiting for the IUI alone in the examination room, the u/s computer still had the screen up from the last patient. I could see her little miracle photos on the screen - measuring 6w4d.

A month from now, I want those photos to be mine. I believe in Miracles!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Two years, one month... and, (SIGH), still counting

Many of my fellow infertiles say if they had only known it was going to take so long to get pregnant, they would have started trying sooner.

I disagree.

If I had known how long this was going to take - and continues to take - I may have waited longer. It has been a very tough two years. I am so happy that Hubby and I had the blissful first two years of our marriage, unknowing what lay ahead. Those of you who've faced it - you know. This is rough. Thankfully, our marriage has proven strong enough to handle it, and actually, has gotten even stronger because of it. A silver lining? I'm so thankful for that.

But, man, I'm ready to move on. When does the struggling to have a baby change to struggling to be parents? I know that part won't be easy, either, but let me at least try! I suppose all this just goes to prove that life is not easy. For any of us. Period.

What does not kill us makes us stronger?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

To IVF or Not to IVF

That is the question. We had the consult with our doctor last Friday. I asked for a more aggressive plan of action. The current plan, clearly, is not working.

My RE agreed. He agreed so much that he discussed IVF as an option.

That threw me for a loop at first. I thought IVF was the last resort. I was thinking more along the lines of an intermediate step. You know, bring on the injectables. That kind of thing.

But with my unicornuate uterus, injectables don't make sense. After talking it through, it is down to either keep on keeping on and stick with the oral meds/IUI for a little longer or go for broke with IVF.

I'm stat gathering. I'm reading blogs. I'm talking about it ad naseum to my poor husband, who is wonderfully supportive and will honestly be okay with whatever I think is best. But I'm sure he wishes I would just decide already.

I have no idea what to do.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Due date #2

Yep, due date #2.

Today was the day I was supposed to welcome my baby to the world.

I got through due date #1 (June 2, 2009) for one reason and one reason only - I was pregnant for the 2nd time on that date. I was convinced that the first miscarriage was an isolated incident, a devastation that I was supposed to go through to shape me into the person I will be, to learn a higher trust in the Higher Power, to learn that I can get out of bed even when it seems like the world is falling apart. I thought it was a rough patch that I would put behind me and looked forward to the baby that (I thought) was growing inside me.

10 days after that, I found out it was not to be.

Fast forward to now. I thought surely 9 months later, I'd be pregnant again. After all, I can get pregnant. I just haven't yet figured out how to stay pregnant.

(Like it is up to me to figure out. Like it is in my control to "stay pregnant." Okay, just reminding myself of that.)

So now, I don't have a new pregnany to get me through this day. I don't even have a hope for this cycle. The two residual cysts took care of that - and cancelled my cycle for the 2nd month in a row.

But I do have faith. I do have tears. I do have chocolate. :-)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Cheerleader Mode

Day 1: Here we go again.

GAME ON Unicornuate Uterus!

STEP BACK PCOS! You are going down!!!

No matter how despairing I feel after each failed month, there is still something about that feeling of staring another chance square in the face. You just gotta give in to it - and allow a little hope to creep on in.

Gotta love some Norah. :-)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I have to get it off my chest. I have cheated on a very important relationship in my life.

Tonight I went to a different salon to get my hair done.

Oh, for shame. I know. It just feels so wrong.

It doesn't matter that I can't get in to see my regular girl for 3 weeks and my roots were absolutely screaming for attention. It doesn't matter that she leaves at 5pm and only books Saturdays weeks out and this new place stays open 'til 9pm and I got an appointment in 2 days. It doesn't even matter that my hair looks great and New Guy did a bang-up job.

New Guy? Does that mean I am already contemplating cheating again?

Guilt: A woman's inescapable sidekick. Even invades the quest for great-looking hair.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

A new year, a new start?

I'm not a very good blogger.

Okay, I'm a terrible blogger. Does 3 posts in one year qualify?

New Year's Day, I suppose, prompts you to be reflective. To take stock. To look ahead.

What will the new decade bring? Heaven only knows. Will I be sitting here a year from now - no closer to being a mom than I am today? Possible. Will I handle whatever comes with faith and grace? Uncertain! Will I still have a Father who loves me and has a plan for my life? Absolutely.

Our Huey dog is a burst of fun in our lives. A stinky, licky, energetic burst of adorableness in our days and nights - especially those nights when he wakes us up three times. Is this what having a newborn is like? Nevermind, don't answer that.

Our IUI cycle this month was cancelled. I'm hoping for a new plan for next month, a new outcome. Isn't that what the New Year is all about?