Our Miracle

Our Miracle

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Milestones suck

The feelings of loss and grief are always there. Most of the time, we just push them down far inside us, so deep that they can't see the light of day, can't be recognized by those who don't really know us. That is what allows us to keep going. That, and prayer, and lots of hugs from our supportive hubbies!

I am speaking in plural, because I know I am not alone in these feelings. I know you are out there, too.

But every now and then, a milestone comes along that just brings those emotions right up, smack-dab to the surface, and there isn't a darn thing we can do to stop it.

Sometimes, it is the stupidest milestone you can imagine. Tonight, it was the annual end-of-the-year dinner for a volunteer organization I am lucky to be involved with. I enjoyed the dinner, truly, but was haunted throughout the night knowing this was a milestone that hurt. I remember being there last year and being in my 2ww that ended up resulting in pregnancy with Baby #2. I found out I was pregnant just a few days after the dinner. That pregnancy lasted 5 weeks (well, 9 weeks, but 5 where I knew about it). As we know, here I am a year later, no closer to being a mom than I was then.

I cried all the way home.

Okay, maybe that isn't true. Surely I am closer now to being a mom than I was then, even though it isn't evident to me now. Surely the time will come, and that time is closer now, closer still every day. That day when I hold my baby in my arms will make all these days of burt worthwhile. I hope.

On a brighter note, I am so excited to find out the sex of a dear friend's baby, which will be revealed to her tomorrow and to the public very soon! She has suffered a long road getting here, too, and it will be a joyful day!

We have to focus on those days, do we not? There is abundant joy in this life and we can't let ourselves forget it, no matter how hard. But tonight, it is hard.


  1. I'm so sorry, Ellen. I wish I could have been there with you at the dinner. I know there are no words to make this better. I just keep praying that you get your little miracle very soon! And by the way- you are closer to being a mommy! Every minute that passes you are closer to having your family. That thought was the only thing that kept me going for a while.

    Also, thanks so much for the well wishes! I know how hard it is to be happy for someone else when you are going through so much. You are such a good person and you will make a wonderful mother!!

    PS- It's a girl!! :-)

  2. I feel this way about work right now (I teach high school Reading). I was due on May 12, and planned on being on maternity leave for the last 6 weeks of the school-year. Obviously that didn't go as planned, and every day I wake up and go to work is a reminder of my loss. I try to push these feelings away, but it's hard. I resent work sometimes because I feel like I shouldn't be there and should be with my baby. It is not fair. I try to remind myself that I'm there for my students, and that helps a little. You're right, there is abundant joy; so much joy- it's just hard to focus on the positive some days.