Time Marches On

I felt like I didn't want to go on when we learned about the miscarriage diagnosis, but somehow the days move on and we keep putting one foot in front of another and before we know it, a month has gone by, the shock has passed and we are trying to spend our energy on living in the future - the what to do next decision- instead of dwelling in the past.

I am so challenged by this struggle in just not understanding WHY, but then reminding myself that God does not have to answer to me and that they WHY is known by Him and I have to trust that. I just cry out to Him, please, please let this struggle be used for something good! I know He does not willingly bring affliction upon His children without a purpose to further our faith or His kingdom, but I know it may be years before I see the big picture.

What is the right path? We have consulted with another fertility practice, but I'm so wary of the thought of trying again in a few months without knowing what is going wrong each time. I just can't go through this again. We've also begun exploring adoption, and are working on a home study and an adoption profile, which is pretty strange yet exciting at the same time. We really aren't sure which is the right path, but are hoping that as we look at both, it will reveal itself.

New test results

I am 4 weeks out from the miscarriage and my beta came back at 5. So I am officially not pregnant any more.

I guess if I don't have a baby coming, I am glad that my body realizes it... and in a timely manner. Last time I waited MONTHS only to learn about the retained placental tissue. So that is somewhat of a relief.

In other news, I also tested positive for one gene mutation of MTHFR, which evidently is related to a problem metabolizing folic acid. I only realized after googling it tonight (What would we do without Google??!) that I don't know which one.... there seem to be two, C677t and A1298C. Because I only have one mutation and not two, the nurse said they'd want to put me on Folgard once we start trying again, although I'm now thinking that I may want to call and see if I can go ahead and start on it now.

Anyone out there have MTHFR and taking anything for it?

We need a vacation!

Any suggestions on a fabulous getaway in the Carribbean or Mexico?

On another note, my HCG is going down... I am now "hoping" for low numbers, so that I can get back to "normal". Funny how just a few short weeks ago, I was hoping for high numbers, indicating a growing baby. Guess nothing gold can stay.

Avoidance is my Defense Mechanism

I've been doing a pretty good job avoiding my life for the past 14 days.

Sure, I go to work, come home, make dinner, play with the puppy, snuggle with my hubby on the couch... but I don't return calls, I don't call my friends to meet for lunch or happy hour or pedicures, I don't go to a long-planned girls weekend getaway to the beach with 7 dear friends, two of whom are pregnant (both with their second) and one of whom has a 3 month old who may be stopping by for introductions.

I hate that. I hate that the miscarriage, which has already stolen so much from me, continues to rob me of my joy, my relationships and my fun.

I know I'm going through the motions, almost so that I'm too busy to think about what I've lost, but I can't avoid feeling forever.

My only recourse - the only one I can figure - is to do what I am in control of. (read: Very Little.) I am not in control of whether my babies live, whether my half-a-uterus can carry a baby, whether my doctor should have had me on steriods for beta 2 glocoprotein all along (side note from new doctor who says it was in my file). But I am in control of what I can do now - continue to seek out all options, any possibilites, of how we can have a child.

So, here we go:
1) Met with different doctor on Mon who reviewed my file and came up with a couple of ideas, including steriods for the beta 2, possible blood thinners if I test + for MTHRF, pre-genetic testing with IVF... all of this possible answers to recurrent miscarriage, but not a given; all of this things we can explore after the HCG finally drains from my body and I give it a couple of months to heal from 3 miscarriages in 15 months
2) Meeting with friendly acquaintance of hubby's/neighbor of parents for breakfast on Friday to learn about his experience in adopting his two adorable children through a domestic adoption attorney
3) Attending Fertility Conference hosted by local reproductive medicine group with speakers on advancement in ART, adoption, surrogacy, treatment of mind/body/spirit when dealing with infertility and recurrent loss
4) Set appointment with counselor as a means of outlet for all that's going on and hope for encouragement and suggestions on healthy ways to deal and heal

I feel so sorry for my poor friends who have only known me for a year or two. They've really never known me as normal. I've been such a roller coaster these last two years, that I'm surprised they want to me my friends at all!

I can only think that God is up there saying, I heard your prayers, my child, and I'm sorry for the pain you are going through because I couldn't answer them the way you asked. But I wish you could know that I only said "no" for now because I have an even bigger and better plan for you. Trust Me.

Feeling Numb

I've tried to write this post a few times over the last few days, but can't get the words to come out right.

I should have had plenty of time to figure out how I am feeling over the weekend - which was supposed to have consisted of 2 fabulous days at our favorite beach getaway, Siesta Key, to celebrate our 4th anniversary, followed by a big family get-together for Easter on Sunday when we would have shared the news of the upcoming new addition.

Instead, we spent the weekend holed up in the house, waiting for the meds I took to help expel our very-much-loved, no-longer-living Baby from my body. Ugh...Sorry if that was too graphic.

This feels like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. Why would we have thought this time would be any different?


I am convinced there is something they are missing. There has to be! How can we go from progressing well with strong hearbeat to.... just gone? How can it happen every time around 7-8 weeks?

The real sting of it is that I at least partly know the answer. It's me. It is my half-assed uterus, my RH- blood, my PCOS and everything else that they've identified to date that is wrong with me.

We have a lot of thinking to do. We know we want to be parents, whatever it takes! I don't want to give up on having our own baby! Is there a way? But I don't want to do this over and over again, either. A little part of both hubby and me dies along with the baby that we had loved and dreamed over. How many times? I would endure anything if you told me that it would eventually work out, it would ultimately end with tears of joy instead of tears of grief.

But no one can tell me that. And that leaves us here, trying to figure out a way to pick up the pieces and get on with life. Trying to decide what is the next step. A second opinion, certainly. Adoption? Surrogacy? Just not sure. And trying to hold tight to the Hope that has sustained us 'til now.

Without my dear husband, I'd be so lost. He is really keeping me afloat. Thank you, my love.