Our Miracle

Our Miracle

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Avoidance is my Defense Mechanism

I've been doing a pretty good job avoiding my life for the past 14 days.

Sure, I go to work, come home, make dinner, play with the puppy, snuggle with my hubby on the couch... but I don't return calls, I don't call my friends to meet for lunch or happy hour or pedicures, I don't go to a long-planned girls weekend getaway to the beach with 7 dear friends, two of whom are pregnant (both with their second) and one of whom has a 3 month old who may be stopping by for introductions.

I hate that. I hate that the miscarriage, which has already stolen so much from me, continues to rob me of my joy, my relationships and my fun.

I know I'm going through the motions, almost so that I'm too busy to think about what I've lost, but I can't avoid feeling forever.

My only recourse - the only one I can figure - is to do what I am in control of. (read: Very Little.) I am not in control of whether my babies live, whether my half-a-uterus can carry a baby, whether my doctor should have had me on steriods for beta 2 glocoprotein all along (side note from new doctor who says it was in my file). But I am in control of what I can do now - continue to seek out all options, any possibilites, of how we can have a child.

So, here we go:
1) Met with different doctor on Mon who reviewed my file and came up with a couple of ideas, including steriods for the beta 2, possible blood thinners if I test + for MTHRF, pre-genetic testing with IVF... all of this possible answers to recurrent miscarriage, but not a given; all of this things we can explore after the HCG finally drains from my body and I give it a couple of months to heal from 3 miscarriages in 15 months
2) Meeting with friendly acquaintance of hubby's/neighbor of parents for breakfast on Friday to learn about his experience in adopting his two adorable children through a domestic adoption attorney
3) Attending Fertility Conference hosted by local reproductive medicine group with speakers on advancement in ART, adoption, surrogacy, treatment of mind/body/spirit when dealing with infertility and recurrent loss
4) Set appointment with counselor as a means of outlet for all that's going on and hope for encouragement and suggestions on healthy ways to deal and heal

I feel so sorry for my poor friends who have only known me for a year or two. They've really never known me as normal. I've been such a roller coaster these last two years, that I'm surprised they want to me my friends at all!

I can only think that God is up there saying, I heard your prayers, my child, and I'm sorry for the pain you are going through because I couldn't answer them the way you asked. But I wish you could know that I only said "no" for now because I have an even bigger and better plan for you. Trust Me.

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