Walking!

Seriously, my little girl went from taking a few cautious steps to literally RUNNING all over the house in no time flat!!! How did this happen? I've been a big fan of being barefoot most of the time... but now the shoes are on and we are outside playing! Such a big girl!

A long absence... and a growing family

I haven't blogged since March. I still read the blogs I follow regularly and I must admit, I feel somewhat guilty. I relish reading their news and updates, seeing their photos and sharing in those women's lives without giving up any details about my own.

My baby girl, my little miracle, turned ONE a few weeks ago. This has been the most incredible year of our lives. Becoming parents - and even more than that, becoming HER parents - has brought us so much unimaginable joy. We just look at her and our hearts swell. We are so thankful for the way God orchestrated the three of us to be a family.

She is now walking, talking (okay, so it is all babble at this point... we really don't have any consistent use of words yet!) and learning so many things! It really just gets more fun every day seeing the world through her eyes. So much to explore and learn and play! Our days are truly filled with little adventures and I'm having the best time staying home with her.

Along the way, we've also gotten other surprises. March, in fact, not long after I last posted, is when the really big news came. The big surprise. The one that several of the bloggers I read have experienced, but that I never counted on for myself. The one that everybody said "would happen" - and that drove me crazy.

Our adopted miracle was a little more than 5 months old when I found out I was pregnant.

And our world has been in a tailspin ever since!

Well, that's not quite true. The beginning was disbelief, fear, caution... which after a few months led to excitment and thankfulness... and here we are, 30 weeks in, expecting a baby boy in November, a little brother to our princess!

I can say with certainty that my faith has grown by leaps and bounds during my time as a wife. I prayed for a long time for the man I now share my life with, who loves and supports me, makes me laugh, and gives his family his all. I remember us so innocently "deciding" we were ready to start our family after 2 years of marriage, and being so excited for a baby that would certainly soon be on the way. I can look back at the three years we suggered from infertility and miscarriages and pain and remember what God did for us in the dark times. I can rejoice that He was always present, always sovereign, always working out His plan. I can thank Him in the light that we find ourselves in now, holding our daugther in our arms and expecting our son, and know still He is present, He is sovereign and He is working out His plan.

If only we had known all this at the time, it wouldn't have hurt as much. But we wouldn't be as thanful for it now. I am praying always for those who find themselves there too.

Hot Saturday Night

I have to laugh at myself as I remember the Saturday nights of old, the dressing up, going out to a great restaurant, meeting friends for a drink, hearing some live music or going to a show... and then considered my Saturday nights these days.

Case in point: This past Saturday, DH picked up a gourmet Chi.ck.Fi.l.A dinner from the drive through for us, we ate, I gave the baby her bath, put her to bed, mopped the floors and was in bed by 9:45.

How things have changed! But I wouldn't trade it for all the fancy dinners and nights on the town. I love you, Baby Girl!

PS - Good news, though - next Friday is our 5 year anniversay, which means Nonna is babysitting and we have a date! ;-)

A New Waiting Family

I love to check back frequently on the website for our adoption agency. It just gives me such a warm feeling to be "connected" the wonderful people there. I love seeing new families come in and then watching them ultimately be listed as Matched!! I was overjoyed when I checked the site a couple of days ago and saw some friends of ours listed as a Waiting Family! Yay!! We only learned this dear couple had been struggling with several years of infertility after we adopted our sweet baby last fall. They approached us with their story and their interest in adoption, and we shared with them all we had learned through our experience. Although they live in a different state, they chose to go with an agency that is local to us. We had such a positive experience with our agency and I am hoping and praying that they do, as well. I'm such so excited that their adoption journey has begun and I can't wait to meet their precious baby!!

6 Month Stats

We had our 6 month well visit today!!!

Height: 26.25 inches  (67%)
Weight: 15 lbs, 13 oz (45%)
Head Circum: 17 inches (70%)

She is sitting pretty well unassisted, but ends up toppling over at some point, so I don't get too far away!

We are through 3 weeks on cereal and 4 days on peas! She clearly doesn't love the peas, but is battling through them until a yummier vege comes along!

My girl is growing up!!!

A match made in Heaven

I've spent a lot of time on infertility boards and blogs over the last few years. Through them, I've seen sad stories again and again about marriages that have crumbled under the stress of infertility and miscarriage, of losing the innocence that traveling this road steals from you. I can truly see how it happens. It is not for the weak of heart.

I am ever so thankful to be approaching my five-year wedding anniversary with the love of my life, so thankful that we have been able to weather the storm and grow ever stronger in our love. There is, no doubt, pain that lingers still... next to abounding joy. But whatever the future brings, I pray we will continue to dance and find joy in God's blessing of bringing us together.

A Valentines Day Toast for my Hubby

It's difficult to imagine
'Cause I loved you so much from the start.
But every year that passes,
That love grows deeper in my heart.
You are so sweet, so strong, so faithful
You've made all my dreams come true.
And now watching you with our daughter
Makes me again fall in love with you.

Happy Valentines Day!

Finalization

I've been meaning to put down my thoughts on paper about this incredible day before any of the details slip from my mind.

I knew the final adoption hearing was a mere formality. Our sweet girl was already chosen and planned to be our daughter since the beginning of time, and we have been a family since the day we laid eyes on her and held her for the first time. But the special thing about this day was that the rest of the world would now know what we did.

Like all new moms, I questioned myself in those early weeks of her precious life. Was I doing everything right? Was I being the perfect mom? But underlying those common fears were ones that said, if I'm not, will someone change their mind? So when we stood before the judge and he signed the papers, that all melted away. She is ours and no one can ever take her away.

My hubby and I were there for the hearing, of course, but we were also joined by my mom and stepdad, my dad and stepmom, and my stepsister. My dad and stepmom made the trip from halfway across the country. Afterwards, we all went to a nearby restaurant for a little celebration. Although my parents are civil to each other, their interactions in the past 15 years have been slim, and the only occasions where they have been seen in the same room have been my wedding and when my brother came home from Iraq with his Marine squadron. I looked around the table to see them chatting and marveled at how this little girl has not only made complete a gaping hole in our hearts, but she has brought together those I love and made so many people happy.

Especially me. :-)

The Inevitable Cold

Well, it's official. Baby A has a cold.

Of course, I spent an hour and a half going to the pediatrician and $85 for the visit to find out what, let's face it, I already knew.

Runny nose. Coughing. Not eating a lot. Classic symptons.

No fever. No pulling on the ears. Still eating some. Again, classic indications that it probably isn't serious.

We flew to visit my hubby's family up north last week. So there were the airplane germs, the cold weather. Classic causes that lead to a cold. (She did GREAT on the plane, incidentally! Flew like a veteran traveler. If only I could figure out how to pack less!)

But it has been 5 days! And my little love is still waking up coughing and not feeling well! So what is a mommy to do? We went to the pediatrician, of course.

And they told me she had a cold. Well, at least I know that there isn't anything else I should be doing! Back to the saline drops and humidifier! Feel better soon, my love!

Miracle Workers

I had the chance to sit down and write a letter to the head of our adoption agency and tell her what an incredible impact her staff made on us.

There can be no doubt that the day we walked in the door to meet with the director and started down this path changed our lives in the most wonderful of ways, blessing us beyond measure. How many times have I kissed Little A today?!?

But even beyond that, every single person we worked with had such a committment to his or her work, had such a passion for creating families, and made us feel immediately comfortable in a completely unfamiliar realm. Adoption, much like infertility, is all about the unknown, the opening up of your heart and putting your faith into someone else's hands, trusting in them to take you from wanting a baby to having a baby.

I still can't stop thinking about what an amazing job they play. It is not an easy one. Our caseworker is on call 24/7. She walks the balancing act between being the usually absent but much-needed support for the birthparents and the calming encouragement for the adoptive parents. She is the one who gets to give the news that families have been matched, that babies have been born, and afterwards that babies who have been placed are getting the most care and love, but she is also the one who has to tell adoptive parents that the birthparents changed their minds, that the baby is not going home with them as planned. When it is time to go to the hospital, she goes. When there are questions, she answers. When there is no news, she still is there, patiently helping you wait. And at the end of it all, she helped our family come together. I know God was the Orchestrater, but she was an instrument. A big one. And what could give you more satisfaction at the end of the day than a job like that?

She is, they all are, an inspiration. Watching them day by day makes me yearn for a job that could make such an impact, that could change people's lives in such a powerful way. I just need to figure out what.

Best Christmas Yet

I can't help but marvel at my life this Christmas, thinking how different it is from the last few years. We have been blessed beyond what we could ask or imagine with the arrival of our baby girl and she brings so much joy to our home this holiday.

Why do we get to hold her in our arms while others are still waiting? Why did we have to wait so long while others became parents so easily? We cannot know these answers. My heart is forever changed from the experience of struggling to become a mom, and then from becoming one, and I am hurting right along with those who are still fighting that hardest of battles. But I know there is a beautiful and perfect child out there waiting for all those who hope. I, too, still hope there is another one for us. (Okay, in truth, another two!)  But for now, I am focused on our little A and loving being a family of three. I'm focused on being thankful for the blessings sent from above, in timing of the One whose will is perfect.

She's tucked in, sleeping tight, looking so adorable in Christmas PJ's. It is a silent night, a holy night. And the Baby born this night brings us peace, brings us joy, and brings us life.

Timing is Everything

I was thinking yesterday about how I spent the month of March (2010) on my knees asking God to allow our baby to live, for our child to have life. What really hit me about this is that our daughter was conceived in November (2009)! So all that time that I was asking Him, God had a plan for our beautiful daughter ALREADY in the works! It wasn't the plan I had in mind or the even the plan I was asking for, but it was God's perfect will and His work in our life and we are beyond thankful for it. She is the light of our lives!

Isn't it amazing to realize that while we are desperately praying, hoping, sulking, pouting, feeling sorry for ourselves, doubting, wishing, wanting, longing for a BIG need.... GOD has already put in motion a BIGGER RESPONSE?

And that, quite simply, is why we need faith. I trust in His plan and ask Him to give me the faith and strength to wait on it.

And the very cool thing about this path that we are on? Only God knows the hour and day when our 2nd baby will be conceived. We aren't pursuing adoption or fertility treatments again right now, as we are relishing every day with our precious one, but who knows what plan will be revealed in the future!! :-)

A sweet gift

My sweet friend M gave me the most beautiful gift for my birthday this year.

For several months, I've been wearing a necklace that I had made with an open circle pendant that held three birthstones - June, January and November - the three due dates of my angels. On one side was engraved, "Forever Loved" and on the other, "In the Arms of God". It made me feel close to them to have a rememberance hanging close to my heart.

Since our miracle has arrived, I've only worn it a few times, and I've felt a little strange. Although they are a part of me that is never far from my mind, I want my focus now to be on my wonderful blessing and the unspeakable joy she has brought us!

Although I never verbalized this, my friend must have understood. I opened her gift to find a new necklace. This one has two round disks that hang from a tiny beaded chain. On one disk there are three hearts. On the other, the name of my little princess. The three hearts that brought us to you.

You can find it and other beautiful pieces here. LL Designs
I love it!

PS - Not quite as sentimental, but my wonderful husband also surprised me with a fabulous K.S. bag! It is hot!!New Winter Bag!

Birthday Reflections

Today is my 32nd birthday.

First of all, HOW did I get to be 32?!?

Okay, moving past that and accepting the new age!

I can't even complain about adjusting to a new number. I really can't complain about a thing. This is the happiest birthday ever.

I think back to two years ago today. It was such a dark time. One week before my 30th birthday, I learned that my first pregnancy, which we had tried and tried for, had ended at 9 weeks. Our little apple seed no longer had a heartbeat. I was devastated. I had a D&C on Nov 3 and put on a brave face three nights later for the 30th birthday bash my sweet husband had planned weeks earlier. It was a great party, and he knew I needed a distraction, but my heart hurt. Little did I know there would be even darker days to come, but at the time, I thought nothing could sting more. I spent days where I'd go to work, come home and go directly to bed. It just wasn't fair.

One year later, I had suffered a second miscarriage during the summer, had spent a few months physically healing and was back to trying to concieve. I was surrounded by friends having babies and I couldn't believe I still wasn't one of them. I was hopeful that the third time would be the charm, but I just didn't know how much longer I could handle the struggle. I felt like life was moving on without us.

As another year has gone by, much of it has been spent trying to conceive, dealing with our third miscarriage and searching our hearts for what the plan was for us and our family. Until, of course, that fateful day when we got a call that a birthmother had picked us and there was a baby that was going to be ours! We planned, we prayed, we lived on pins and needles, but we didn't know for sure she was ours until the day we brought her home from the hospital. And now she's been here with us for 10 incredible weeks and our hearts have grown by leaps and bounds. She is truly our miracle.

I have to reflect upon my third baby, as his or her due date was this week. I had prayed that my 32nd birthday might be spent in the hospital or just barely home with a newborn. Instead, I am home with my 2 and a half month old! Wonders never cease and God works in amazing ways!

I know I've spent a lot of weeks and months, a lot of time and tears, of the last three years of my life focused on how we would have a child. It is all-consuming. But I've made it to the other side, albeit through a path I would never have expected, but I know that all this is in God's time for us all. I am thankful. I am happy. And I am a 32-year-old mom.

To Love and Protect

My princess is sleeping. She is peaceful, dreaming, I think, because she has the occasional smile and sweet sigh. Nothing is wrong in the world, no care left unaddressed. No need is wanting. My heart still watches her in awe, amazed that God chose her to be our daughter and orchestrated her arrival into our lives the way He did. I love her so much that I know I couldn't love anyone a single drop more.

I want her always to know that, to always feel the love of her Heavenly Father and her daddy and mommy, and so many others who love her to pieces, too. I pray that God will give us wisdom on how to raise her to know this love and to feel secure and confident in who she is. I want so much to protect her from any hurt or sorrow or discomfort. Right now, that means wanting to dry her tears when she is upset, feed her empty tummy when she is hungy, and cuddle her if she is tired or cold. But I know that the challenges only get greater as our children grow day by day, and I fear the hurts she could have that won't be so easily solved. I suppose this is the timeless cry of a mother's heart - to want to shield her children from all pain. Life is never simple, and families who have been touched by the miracle of adoption know that our joy is often someone else's pain. But God did not promise joy without rain. He did, however, promise that He is our shield and our exceedingly great reward. What a comfort to know that though I may struggle with shielding my child from every pain, there is One who is able to protect us without ceasing.

6 weeks, 5 days

Where does the time go? Our little one is 6 weeks, 5 days and growing like a weed! I just want to freeze time because I know my leave from work is flying by far too fast. She has grown and changed so much in such a short time, and I know 6 weeks from now it will be the same story! We were at the pediatrician this week and she weighed in at just under 11 pounds! We go back on the 25th for her 2 month appointment... which I know brings immunizations, which I am NOT looking forward to. I did ask the doctor for a list of what she'd be getting and have tried to research to make sure that I feel comfortable with all of them. So much to know! She is definitely smiling for us now, which I LOVE! And the little sounds have begun... just the beginning of much talking to come! I can't wait for all the new steps but I also want her to stay my little peanut! :-)

Ideas for a baby book?

I posted this question elsewhere but I've been looking for a baby book for our little one but all the ones in the stores have so many questions that don't apply to our story... i.e. how did mommy tell daddy she was pregnant with me? how was my delivery? etc. Has anyone found one that is more sensitive to adoption - without making adoption be the main focus? I've been making notes about all of the firsts and I can't wait to put them together in a baby book for our princess!!

Dreams Come True...

If there is anything that the last few years have taught me, it is that God has a specific plan for each of our lives and that He is always at work in love enacting this perfect plan for His children.

When we are in the midst of trials, we can't see it. We are so blinded by pain or fear or sorrow - and the realization that we are not in control. We often get answers to prayers that we did not want, did not expect, did not think we deserved. I prayed that God would allow be to me a mother to each of my three angel babies, that He would allow them to live. But He was not calling me to be a mother to those children on Earth. Instead, He was calling me to be a mother to a little one who was waiting for me, who needed me, who was meant to be... MY DAUGHTER.

And now I am here, sitting with her in my arms, amazed at the blessing I have been given. OUR DAUGHTER IS HOME!!! And she is perfect. We are so in love with her, our beautiful baby.

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since she was born, and Monday marks 4 weeks since we brought her home from the hospital. Our life has been changed forever and I feel our hearts have expanded more than we knew possible. The tears just stream down my face as I watch her sleeping. I want so much for her, I want to protect her, to give her everything, to help her always to know how much she is loved by her Heavenly Father, by her mommy, by her daddy, by so many family and friends. I pray that I will have the wisdom and the courage and the patience and ability to be the mother that I want to be.

I just can't believe she is ours. She is dream come true.

Closer by the day

We continue to wait for the expected due date of our precious little one... and continue to hope beyond hope that this baby comes home to stay. I've been talking with a friend who adopted her son 15 months ago... and she has warned me, in love, Honey, you've got a wild ride ahead of you. I am also anxiously reading and praying for a fellow blogger whose adoptive daughter's paperwork should be signed tomorrow. Her fears echo my own as I know the wait is only going to get harder in the days to come. But the morning is worth the night, the sun is worth the rain, and the suffering will make the blessing all the sweeter. I love that little one and can't wait until we meet!

Waiting and hoping, hoping and waiting...

This sounds suspiciously like how I felt in all of the 2wws, how I felt waiting for HCG draws, how I felt in the eternally long wait before ultrasounds... some which I left feeling full of joy, others, ultimately, which I left full of pain. The biggest purgatory of Infertility is, without a doubt, the Wait. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?