A Dark Fall 2008

His grace is enough. I know this to be true. I have seen it and felt it and survived with it and now have to tell it, because it is not a thing that should be kept to oneself.

Whatever your struggle, your uncertainty, your hope - it is enough. The one thing that the human experience can assure is that no matter how much we want to make decisions, plan the way our lives will go, make things happen our way, we are not in control. You can work hard every day to lay out your life and live it as you dream it to be, but things inevitably will take a swerve here and there, or sometimes, an about-face U-turn. But take heart in knowing that there is One who is in control and who has a plan for us, a plan to prosper and bring us peace says Jeremiah. I don't know about you, but that brings me enourmous relief that no matter how much I screw things up, He is in ultimate control! It also brings incredible comfort when life deals me a hand that hurts. Sometimes the hurt must come before the blessing.

I had one such hurt this fall, when after months of trying to conceive, my husband and I got the exciting news that we were pregnant. We spent three weeks happily making plans for our family-of-three, until our first ultrasound on October 14. Needless to say, it did not go well. Our little apple seed did not have a heartbeat and we were told that I was likely miscarrying but that I should come back in a week to confirm. We were devastated. A week later, we were given a sliver of hope. This ultrasound showed a heartbeat! However, it was not a strong one and we were not out of the dark. So, another week went by, and on Oct 27 we finally learned that this baby was not meant to be born to us.

The days that followed were dark by any description, as any mother or mother-to-be can tell you in no uncertain terms. You love that little one from the moment you know about him; she is your child from the first positive pregnancy test.

During this time, and since, God has reminded me that I don't know the big picture here. He's reminded me that He has a plan and there is a reason why this baby was not mine to raise. I don't know what that reason is, but I look forward to knowing the whole story one day when I meet Him face to face. And I trust that He knows the day and hour and minute that He has planned for me to become a mom, and I look forward to knowing that day sometime soon.

Whatever your story, no matter what your pain or disappointment, that truth remains. I hope you can find peace knowing your plan is in the works - it just may not have been revealed.

The singles pastor at our church, Gary, preached the Sunday service a few weeks ago. He told us, "Don't forget in the dark what God has told you in the light." There will be a dark, he said, but just because you can't see Him in the darkness, don't forget He is there, don't overlook that He is probably the one carrying you.

I have found much help in hearing and sharing the stories of other wonderful women who have experienced loss, and hoped that in sharing this story, I can pass that help on to someone else.