Here goes nothing!!

We submitted our application and profile to the adoption agency today!!!

We are not quite home-study-ready, but all our paperwork is in and we had our interviews with the social worker yesterday, so her report should be finalized within the next two weeks.

And then... we'll be on the list and officially waiting! Yea!!

Ugly Odds and a Bad Stick

40%.

That's the statistic that Dr. Y quoted to me today when we went for our "2nd opinion" appointment at Infertility Clinic #3. 40% of women with a UU, he said, will successfully carry a baby.

Those aren't great odds.

He then amended this statement, saying that in our case, since we know about the UU and would be able to do anything possible during the pregnancy, working with a perinatologist, that we might be up to 60%.

60%. I guess that's sounding a little better. I was slightly heartened.

But then he retracted and said based on my history, he'd hypothesize that my chances overall are about 40%.

Part of me felt crushed. He said it so matter-of-factly, no qualms about it. No doctor has ever quoted that number to me. It's hard to hear.

But the other part of me felt like I was having an out of body experience. I was watching myself and Jeff sit in this doctor's office across the table from him telling us bad news and I wanted to laugh, thinking that, He's wrong. This man is wrong. It is going to happen for us. There is still hope, and I'm going to look back on this scene one day and know that he was wrong.

I'm not giving up.

Incidentally, after the consult, he did order an additional few blood tests that he thought had been missing from my workup based on the medical records he received. (I think they'd been done. For some reason, they only sent the last 6 month's worth of records from Infertility Clinic #1... which means everything from 2008 and 2009 are missing - but who am I to argue? I'm supposed to be a proponent of informed consumerism when it comes to healthcare, but when it boils right down to it, I would rather check and recheck. Bring on the repetitve and unncessary tests!)

The nurse came in with the good news that they could draw my blood right there. An HOUR later, two nurses and about 14 failed sticks, they still couldn't get three viles out of me! I am battered and bruised tonight! Will justice ever be served? I've got a completely messed up reproductive system.... the least I could have is good veins!

Calgon take me away...

Well it wasn't Calgon but it was my sweet hubby who agreed -- We. Need. A. Vacation!! So we booked an all-inclusive resort in Punta Cana and went. It was 4 days of total relaxation in a perfectly gorgeous setting with all that my little heart could desire... palm-tree lined beach, pools flanked by cabanas, great restaurants, fruity cocktails served in hollowed-out coconuts, and the list goes on. We took a tennis lesson, went for a horseback ride on the beach and I had a fantastic relaxation massage.

I think it was just what the Dr. ordered. I even made a pledge to myself that I would not bring up babies, trying to conceive, upcoming doctor's appointments, adoption paperwork, homestudy appointments or anything of the like... and I pretty much did it! That doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about those things, mind you, but I at least kept a lid on it and didn't voice my thoughts aloud. Aren't you proud?!? All of these things are so emotionally cumbersome, so all-consuming, that it does a body good to just take a stinking break. Also, did I mention, this was an adults-only resort, and that little perk was well worth it. :-)

On the adoption front, our home study paperwork has been submitted and we are scheduled with the social worker for June 16! Better get cracking on that birthparent letter!!

Tummy aches

I feel like I want to throw up.

I wish it was naseau... but - more likely - mean, green jealousy.

(Sigh.) I don't like myself very much right now. And I also don't like Facebook.

Milestones suck

The feelings of loss and grief are always there. Most of the time, we just push them down far inside us, so deep that they can't see the light of day, can't be recognized by those who don't really know us. That is what allows us to keep going. That, and prayer, and lots of hugs from our supportive hubbies!

I am speaking in plural, because I know I am not alone in these feelings. I know you are out there, too.

But every now and then, a milestone comes along that just brings those emotions right up, smack-dab to the surface, and there isn't a darn thing we can do to stop it.

Sometimes, it is the stupidest milestone you can imagine. Tonight, it was the annual end-of-the-year dinner for a volunteer organization I am lucky to be involved with. I enjoyed the dinner, truly, but was haunted throughout the night knowing this was a milestone that hurt. I remember being there last year and being in my 2ww that ended up resulting in pregnancy with Baby #2. I found out I was pregnant just a few days after the dinner. That pregnancy lasted 5 weeks (well, 9 weeks, but 5 where I knew about it). As we know, here I am a year later, no closer to being a mom than I was then.

I cried all the way home.

Okay, maybe that isn't true. Surely I am closer now to being a mom than I was then, even though it isn't evident to me now. Surely the time will come, and that time is closer now, closer still every day. That day when I hold my baby in my arms will make all these days of burt worthwhile. I hope.

On a brighter note, I am so excited to find out the sex of a dear friend's baby, which will be revealed to her tomorrow and to the public very soon! She has suffered a long road getting here, too, and it will be a joyful day!

We have to focus on those days, do we not? There is abundant joy in this life and we can't let ourselves forget it, no matter how hard. But tonight, it is hard.

Time Marches On

I felt like I didn't want to go on when we learned about the miscarriage diagnosis, but somehow the days move on and we keep putting one foot in front of another and before we know it, a month has gone by, the shock has passed and we are trying to spend our energy on living in the future - the what to do next decision- instead of dwelling in the past.

I am so challenged by this struggle in just not understanding WHY, but then reminding myself that God does not have to answer to me and that they WHY is known by Him and I have to trust that. I just cry out to Him, please, please let this struggle be used for something good! I know He does not willingly bring affliction upon His children without a purpose to further our faith or His kingdom, but I know it may be years before I see the big picture.

What is the right path? We have consulted with another fertility practice, but I'm so wary of the thought of trying again in a few months without knowing what is going wrong each time. I just can't go through this again. We've also begun exploring adoption, and are working on a home study and an adoption profile, which is pretty strange yet exciting at the same time. We really aren't sure which is the right path, but are hoping that as we look at both, it will reveal itself.

New test results

I am 4 weeks out from the miscarriage and my beta came back at 5. So I am officially not pregnant any more.

I guess if I don't have a baby coming, I am glad that my body realizes it... and in a timely manner. Last time I waited MONTHS only to learn about the retained placental tissue. So that is somewhat of a relief.

In other news, I also tested positive for one gene mutation of MTHFR, which evidently is related to a problem metabolizing folic acid. I only realized after googling it tonight (What would we do without Google??!) that I don't know which one.... there seem to be two, C677t and A1298C. Because I only have one mutation and not two, the nurse said they'd want to put me on Folgard once we start trying again, although I'm now thinking that I may want to call and see if I can go ahead and start on it now.

Anyone out there have MTHFR and taking anything for it?