Birthday Reflections

Today is my 32nd birthday.

First of all, HOW did I get to be 32?!?

Okay, moving past that and accepting the new age!

I can't even complain about adjusting to a new number. I really can't complain about a thing. This is the happiest birthday ever.

I think back to two years ago today. It was such a dark time. One week before my 30th birthday, I learned that my first pregnancy, which we had tried and tried for, had ended at 9 weeks. Our little apple seed no longer had a heartbeat. I was devastated. I had a D&C on Nov 3 and put on a brave face three nights later for the 30th birthday bash my sweet husband had planned weeks earlier. It was a great party, and he knew I needed a distraction, but my heart hurt. Little did I know there would be even darker days to come, but at the time, I thought nothing could sting more. I spent days where I'd go to work, come home and go directly to bed. It just wasn't fair.

One year later, I had suffered a second miscarriage during the summer, had spent a few months physically healing and was back to trying to concieve. I was surrounded by friends having babies and I couldn't believe I still wasn't one of them. I was hopeful that the third time would be the charm, but I just didn't know how much longer I could handle the struggle. I felt like life was moving on without us.

As another year has gone by, much of it has been spent trying to conceive, dealing with our third miscarriage and searching our hearts for what the plan was for us and our family. Until, of course, that fateful day when we got a call that a birthmother had picked us and there was a baby that was going to be ours! We planned, we prayed, we lived on pins and needles, but we didn't know for sure she was ours until the day we brought her home from the hospital. And now she's been here with us for 10 incredible weeks and our hearts have grown by leaps and bounds. She is truly our miracle.

I have to reflect upon my third baby, as his or her due date was this week. I had prayed that my 32nd birthday might be spent in the hospital or just barely home with a newborn. Instead, I am home with my 2 and a half month old! Wonders never cease and God works in amazing ways!

I know I've spent a lot of weeks and months, a lot of time and tears, of the last three years of my life focused on how we would have a child. It is all-consuming. But I've made it to the other side, albeit through a path I would never have expected, but I know that all this is in God's time for us all. I am thankful. I am happy. And I am a 32-year-old mom.

To Love and Protect

My princess is sleeping. She is peaceful, dreaming, I think, because she has the occasional smile and sweet sigh. Nothing is wrong in the world, no care left unaddressed. No need is wanting. My heart still watches her in awe, amazed that God chose her to be our daughter and orchestrated her arrival into our lives the way He did. I love her so much that I know I couldn't love anyone a single drop more.

I want her always to know that, to always feel the love of her Heavenly Father and her daddy and mommy, and so many others who love her to pieces, too. I pray that God will give us wisdom on how to raise her to know this love and to feel secure and confident in who she is. I want so much to protect her from any hurt or sorrow or discomfort. Right now, that means wanting to dry her tears when she is upset, feed her empty tummy when she is hungy, and cuddle her if she is tired or cold. But I know that the challenges only get greater as our children grow day by day, and I fear the hurts she could have that won't be so easily solved. I suppose this is the timeless cry of a mother's heart - to want to shield her children from all pain. Life is never simple, and families who have been touched by the miracle of adoption know that our joy is often someone else's pain. But God did not promise joy without rain. He did, however, promise that He is our shield and our exceedingly great reward. What a comfort to know that though I may struggle with shielding my child from every pain, there is One who is able to protect us without ceasing.

6 weeks, 5 days

Where does the time go? Our little one is 6 weeks, 5 days and growing like a weed! I just want to freeze time because I know my leave from work is flying by far too fast. She has grown and changed so much in such a short time, and I know 6 weeks from now it will be the same story! We were at the pediatrician this week and she weighed in at just under 11 pounds! We go back on the 25th for her 2 month appointment... which I know brings immunizations, which I am NOT looking forward to. I did ask the doctor for a list of what she'd be getting and have tried to research to make sure that I feel comfortable with all of them. So much to know! She is definitely smiling for us now, which I LOVE! And the little sounds have begun... just the beginning of much talking to come! I can't wait for all the new steps but I also want her to stay my little peanut! :-)

Ideas for a baby book?

I posted this question elsewhere but I've been looking for a baby book for our little one but all the ones in the stores have so many questions that don't apply to our story... i.e. how did mommy tell daddy she was pregnant with me? how was my delivery? etc. Has anyone found one that is more sensitive to adoption - without making adoption be the main focus? I've been making notes about all of the firsts and I can't wait to put them together in a baby book for our princess!!

Dreams Come True...

If there is anything that the last few years have taught me, it is that God has a specific plan for each of our lives and that He is always at work in love enacting this perfect plan for His children.

When we are in the midst of trials, we can't see it. We are so blinded by pain or fear or sorrow - and the realization that we are not in control. We often get answers to prayers that we did not want, did not expect, did not think we deserved. I prayed that God would allow be to me a mother to each of my three angel babies, that He would allow them to live. But He was not calling me to be a mother to those children on Earth. Instead, He was calling me to be a mother to a little one who was waiting for me, who needed me, who was meant to be... MY DAUGHTER.

And now I am here, sitting with her in my arms, amazed at the blessing I have been given. OUR DAUGHTER IS HOME!!! And she is perfect. We are so in love with her, our beautiful baby.

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since she was born, and Monday marks 4 weeks since we brought her home from the hospital. Our life has been changed forever and I feel our hearts have expanded more than we knew possible. The tears just stream down my face as I watch her sleeping. I want so much for her, I want to protect her, to give her everything, to help her always to know how much she is loved by her Heavenly Father, by her mommy, by her daddy, by so many family and friends. I pray that I will have the wisdom and the courage and the patience and ability to be the mother that I want to be.

I just can't believe she is ours. She is dream come true.

Closer by the day

We continue to wait for the expected due date of our precious little one... and continue to hope beyond hope that this baby comes home to stay. I've been talking with a friend who adopted her son 15 months ago... and she has warned me, in love, Honey, you've got a wild ride ahead of you. I am also anxiously reading and praying for a fellow blogger whose adoptive daughter's paperwork should be signed tomorrow. Her fears echo my own as I know the wait is only going to get harder in the days to come. But the morning is worth the night, the sun is worth the rain, and the suffering will make the blessing all the sweeter. I love that little one and can't wait until we meet!

Waiting and hoping, hoping and waiting...

This sounds suspiciously like how I felt in all of the 2wws, how I felt waiting for HCG draws, how I felt in the eternally long wait before ultrasounds... some which I left feeling full of joy, others, ultimately, which I left full of pain. The biggest purgatory of Infertility is, without a doubt, the Wait. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?