Heartbreak x 3

I cannot believe I have to write this. We are losing our precious little baby yet again. Yet again. My child who I love so much already has evidently stopped growing.

For the third time, we've seen a hearbeat on ultrasound and put pictures on our fridge of our beautiful baby, made plans and dreams about holding this baby in our arms, and then have gone back for the next ultrasound only to find out the baby no longer has a heartbeat.

This was supposed to be our miracle. We had so much hope and faith. We don't understand why this is happening and the doctors can tell us nothing. We've been tested for everything under the sun. We know my uterus is less than ideal, but everything we've read and been told has said that we should be able to have a successful pregnancy.

Once you see a heartbeat (especially at 159!!), the chance of miscarriage is very slim. But not for us. That seems to not apply.

I have been on my knees and praying constantly during this month of pregnancy. I've continually told our Heavenly Father that I am trusting in His plan for us and thanking Him for His mercy. I can't go back on that despite this heartbreak... and I know He does have a plan for us, but I am hurting and angry and confused.

I go back Friday for a "final check", but it seems a foregone conclusion. The doctor who was filling in today started to give us the litany of options...D&C, mistopropal, etc... but we've been here before. We know the drill. We just didn't think we'd be asked to do it again.

Will we ever be parents?

Baby's first picture

Okay, so it is actually the 2nd picture. But the first one was so tiny you couldn't really see Baby. On this one - you can! Little head and little body!!!

Heartbeat = 159bpm!!

I am in love.

We saw our baby again today... and I am so thankful to report that appointment #2 and we're still going strong!

The little one - and I do mean little (more to come on that) - had definitely grown since last week. We could see the outline with the head and body and a pulsating heartbeat that the doctor was able to measure at 159! Very strong!

The actual CRL, or crown to rump length, is still measuring very small. We are about a week off. One measurement showed 6w0d and another 6w1d. The calendar say 7w2d. Dr. Plosker couldn't explain it, unless, he said, it took a while to implant. The thing is, we know our timelines pretty closely since they were all medically induced. We know when I ovulated, we know when egg met sperm. Could the little fertilized egg have just swum around an extra few days before cozying in to the lining of the womb?

Hubby tells me to stop over thinking (!) and just be happy with a good appointment! He's right, of course. Not that that doesn't mean I won't be googling all over the place for info on measurement as soon as I'm done here! (Sorry, babe.)

But, as we left, Dr. P said that he felt "90% good about it"... so I think I'll take than and say Thank You God!

PS - I totally pulled a Beth Moore on the floor of the doctor's office bathroom before we went in. No shame here!

6 more days til we see Baby again!

Tomorrow is Big Day #2

Put on your big girl pants and breathe! You can do this!

Only positive thoughts!!

Ultrasound # 1 - So far, so good!

I wore the greenest green I could possibly find. I scoured my drawer for undies with green. I prayed in the dark on my knees in my closet... the only place the dog wouldn't have a field day jumping all over me while I was down on his level.

I had a hectic morning with a client meeting, which I had to leave in the middle of with really no explanation to my coworkers other than, I have a 1:00 appointment. (Later, I heard there was speculation I was going to a job interview.) On the drive to pick up hubby, my stomach was doing so many backflips and my heart racing to the point that I almost couldn't breathe.

We arrived at the doctor's office and the nurse took us back. I told her how I was feeling. She understood. The doctor hadn't arrived, so she took the liberty, kind soul that she is, to call him on his cell with a sharp command to get over here because, "E is here and she is about to throw up."

When Dr. P arrived in the room, he told me he'd heard I was feeling naseaus and that was a very good sign. I corrected him - this is not naseau. I haven't had any of that. This is a case of the worst nerves ever.

The nurse warned me before we started that this was pretty early, so if we didn't see a heartbeat, I was not to panic. We definitely needed to see a yolk sac and gestational sac, and the fetal pole with a heartbeat may or may not be there yet. Yeah, right. Don't panic? Too late for that.

So the check begins and I can't bear to look at the screen. Hubby is holding my hand and doing that for me. I just watch Dr. P and the two nurses' faces for clues. Nurse #1 immediately begins to nod furiously. I think that is a good sign. Dr. P points out the sac, taking his time, zooming around. Still waiting - is there a heartbeat? Nurse reiterates we may not see it yet. Then - there! Dr. P points out a tiny little diamond with the tiniest of blinking. I finally look at the screen. Blink, blink. So tiny! But moving!

They are all grinning and saying this is good. I am not yet grinning. I am concerned that it is so small. We are at 6w2d here and the measurement is 0.14cm. Barely measurable! Last time, at 6w3d, we measure 0.6cm. Why the difference? They tell me so far so good and stop worrying, that all is looking well. I ask the obvious question -- I've been here before. A heartbeat at 6 weeks. Came back at 8 weeks to find none. Is there anything I can do?

Dr. P shakes his head and says, unfortunately, no. They tell me to come back in two weeks. I must have looked pretty desperate when I asked, Can I please come back next week? They agreed. Wed at 9:30am. Calendar says it will be 7w2d. I can't wait.

Dr. P is wrong, however. There is something I can do - and something I AM doing. I can pray. I can give this up to our Sovereign Father and Giver of Life! Remember, He works miracles!

After the church service this morning, hubby and I went down to talk with an encourager and ask for prayer. It was a young guy, about our age, very friendly and easy to talk to. I explained our sitation (tears flowing immediately - man I can't hold my emotions in!) and said we would really like to pray. He surprised me by saying that he and his wife are in a similar boat.... unlike us, they have a 6-year-old, but have been trying again for 2 years now and just can't figure out why she won't get pregnant. God is telling us we are not alone and there are so many others fighting this battle with infertility that also need our prayer. Joey placed one hand on each of our shoulders and prayed that God's will be done in our lives, and that it might result in us becoming parents. He prayed the prayer so easily that I knew he'd prayed these words before for his own family. He and his wife will now be in our prayers, as well.

God really knows what He is doing, doesn't He?

I will be wearing green again this Wed. It isn't St Patty's Day anymore, but it can't hurt. :-)

Strangely Calm

Tomorrow is the big day. Ultrasound at 6w2d.

I am strangely calm today. I thought I'd be an absolute wreck. I want to see that healthy heartbeat so badly. I can almost feel this baby being held in my arms already!

The message at church on Sunday was all about God being Sovereign over every season and situation. Including this one. I kept thinking, I'd prefer the sermon to be about God Answering Prayer! Or Miracles in Modern Day!

But I know He does. I pray He will. I thank Him for His mercy... whatever the outcome. Please God, give us this blessing.

Can't we just skip ahead to 26 weeks?

I feel like I'm on a death watch.

I know, that sounds horrible. I didn't come up with it on my own, actually. I read it in a book that my hubby bought for pregnancy #2 about getting ready to be a dad. It was written by a comedian whose wife had gone through several miscarriages.

That's pretty right on. I'm so happy and my heart is filled with such joy... all the while waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Cast all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you.

Can't we just fast forward to the time of viability?

Thinking Positive

5 days and counting until our first ultrasound.

I'm scared to death.

But even more than that, I'm so excited. I am thinking so many positive thoughts I could burst.

I am thanking my Father in Heaven for hearing my cries and sending His Mercy to answer those cries. I am asking Him to allow this baby to have life on this earth. I am truly full of hope and expectation. He is so good and I ask that His perfect will be acted out in my life.


Plus, we've got the Luck of Irish on our side! Ultrasound date: St Patrick's Day!

Shock

I guess I tested too early.

After a tremendous let-down on Saturday, I decided this wasn't it. I stopped taking progesterone immediately and waiting for Aunt Flo to arrive, which usually takes 2-3 days after stopping the progesterone. Sunday, Monday, no period. Tuesday morning when I wake up, I could feel myself starting to let a little hope wander in... that maybe I still had a chance. I clearly wanted to nip that in the bud before it starting festering, so I got up and took a test. I sat there staring at it, waiting for the Not Pregnant to show up as before.

The. Screen. Read.
PREGNANT

I was floored. I just sat there staring. Then praying. Then crying. Then waiting for DH to come home from the gym so I could break the news.

I had a beta that day - HCG 110 - and two days later - MORE than doubling at 345!! Yea!!

Thank you my Father in Heaven for this Miracle!!!

We have a long road to go, but for now, I am pregnant. And I'm expecting a baby the beginning of November. Just in time for my 32nd birthday.

Our first ultrasound will be at 6.5 weeks on March 17. I'm praying for that little life and a nice, strong heartbeat. Baby mine, I love you so much!